Harry Potter and the Golden Pizza Shark

 Act II. 

In which your kitchen heros return center stage, vowing to create an actual CRUST out of goldfish crumbs, and ne’er to quit ’til at last their most admirable quest is completed. Or they’re totally full. Onward! 

Enter: Pep’ and Cheese and a crapton of Goldfish. 

Once again with the grinding, this time using a sample of every Goldfish cracker available at Food Lion N. Main (basketballs, colors, mini, pretzel, garden cheddar, whole grain, original, parmesan) 


 For those of you keeping score at home, you may remember that Pep n’ Cheese had also procured a full set of sweet Goldfish: namely the honey, cinnamon, chocolate, and s’mores varieties. Suffice it to say that creating these utterly bad ass pizzas requires an such an intense emotional AND caloric output, that we were forced to refuel at regular intervals. Before we knew it, the grahams were gone. Our profound excuses. Now back to the ‘za: 

This time we learned from our mistake and added a little of nature’s glue to our butter and cracker mix: an egg! 


Keeping with theme: 


 Once again defying well-established pizza conventions by experimenting with color, patterns, textures and FISHIES. Behold! A pizzography that would make Lewis and Clark blush: 


We’re basically bedazzling pizza at this point, with much greater success than Jennifer Love BewHew. 


 If it ain’t broke (or you bought in bulk) don’t fix it: we again added crumblers n’ shredded cheese. Then back into the oven for the ultimate bake-down: 


VOIfreakinLA. With bated breath, we sliced n’ dice Goldfish 2.0… 


SUCCESS!! Goldfish pizza sliced! and remained in slices during plating!! Eff you, spoons, don’t come ’round here no’ mo’. And egg, you truely are incredible, edible, and oh-so-cohesive. 

Act III. 

In which your heros perfect Goldfish Pizza, pushing it, as it were,”to the limit.” 

First, we used the entire existing supply of Golfish, effectively covering our entire 14″ pizza pan. If Act I and Act II were Goldfish Pizzas, this is truly Great White Shark Pizza. 


At this point, success has entirely gone to our heads, so we decide to incorporate non-goldfish related ingredients. 

La leaf de Popeye: 


 Onions and ‘shrooms: 


Sautee it up with crumblers: 


Layered atop Food Lion generic brand’s FINEST pizza sauce: 


 And the streets are paved with cheese: 


Into the oven, or as I think of it, the Imaginarium: 


Yeah, it’s ok if you splooge a little.  


 And now for the final test… 



Act IV: 

In which the primary protagonist gives a final, heart-warming soliliquy regarding the Moral of the Story. 

Well folks, there you have it. Let this serve as proof that your wildest fantasies are ALWAYS possible. Except that one… But! If ever you’ve refrained from attempting a culinary creation because it seemed beyond reach, we hope that the Goldfish Pizza Triology will stand as testament to the fact that dreams really do come true. Now get out there and make your own! 

Most fantasies can come true. This one's never gonna happen.


Published in: on March 12, 2010 at 2:17 pm  Leave a Comment  

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